And I Struggle
by That One Eccedentesiast
Summary: Getting the sharingan did not in fact make Kakashi's life any easier. Actually, it might have made it even harder. COMPLETE with epilogue!
1. Chapter I

**_And I Struggle_**

* * *

It was as they came within sight of Konoha (one missing, Obito dead and his body left behind to _rot_) Kakashi felt his heart twinge. First he simply thought it was due to him relaxing, the sight of his village soothing away some of the tension. However, after a staggering step and a sharper-_intense-_stab within his chest he was forced to clutch at his shirt;

"Ugh."

Another step-

"Kakashi?" Rin murmured. "Kakashi!?" She howled as he felt his vision blur and his body stop responding to him. Everything's so dizzying and he's too _hot_; why's he so hot? What's _wrong _with him?

He sensed her cool touch on his arm and he shook her off as he squinted his eyes (no, one was Obito's). "Fine," he grunted unhappily. Forcing himself to take a deep breath that pierced him painfully in the chest; he pushed to take one more step when everything flickered.

It was black and then he was staring up at the unfairly blue sky as he felt a pair of arms beneath him holding him. "It's going to be okay 'kashi," his teacher mumbled in his ear. The young jonin didn't say anything; his face pressed to his instructor's chest. Focusing on the man's heart beat in hope of reminding his own of a rhythmic pattern, he was frightened to find that Minato-sensei's heart was pulsing at a hare-pace. Like-like-it _wasn't _going to be okay.

Panicking because Minato was freaking out, his breathing only picked up in rapidity-only furthering his heartbeat's uneven count. Minato's hand was running through his hair, trembling in their exertion to be steady through his worry as he murmured a litany of promises and lies. This did no good for Kakashi's fragile state and with his terror exploding with each short-breath, it was only a matter of time before he passed out in his teacher's arms-dead.

"Kakashi?!" The boy's teacher yelled at his student's sudden limpness. Looking down into the unseeing mismatched gaze, Minato knew emergency treatment was needed then and there. "Rin!" He barked and his remaining student fell into place by his side. "He needs CPR stat," he explained putting the boy down.

"Yes sensei," the girl said as the blond put her surviving teammate on the roof top. Falling into training, the young kunoichi went through the procedure of pumping the boy's chest and then breathing for him as her instructor took off for the hospital (he would bring help in time, he _had _to).

* * *

When Kakashi woke up next, he wasn't alone. Minato-sensei held his hand and through narrowed eyes he spied Rin dozing on the hospital room's couch; he wondered where-dead. Obito was _dead_. Involuntarily his breath hitched. His teacher's head shot up, his exhausted features brightening like a rekindled fire at the sight of him.

"You're awake!" He exclaimed in half-hushed tones.

Not quite certain what to say about his instructor's relief, Kakashi nodded against the scratchy fabric of his pillow. The man's hand reached out, brushing through his tangled locks. "How are you feeling?"

"G-" he stopped and cleared his throat, "Okay."

Staring at him with strangely unguarded eyes, his teacher rested his cheek on his arms and simply watched Kakashi. "We thought we lost you there for a minute," he said.

Furrowing his brow in confusion, Kakashi demanded; "When?"

The blond blinked. "When?" He repeated, "When you suddenly stopped breathing on our way here!" Frowning, he inquired "How much do you remember?"

Sifting through fuzzy memories, the boy finally settled on "Seeing the gate to Konoha and then-" he shrugged. "How long have I been out then?"

"About a week," his teacher admitted. "They determined it was due to chakra exhaustion-but I don't remember you using much after-" he stopped. Teeth gnawing on his lower lip.

The young jonin wondered if it was worse to lose a student over a teammate. He couldn't help but think "yes" was the answer; it was up to Kakashi to watch his teammates' backs _and _complete the mission...but it was up to Minato-sensei to ensure their safety. He didn't blame him for not being there because he'd _told _Kakashi to lead the mission, to keep everyone safe...and what had he done? He'd failed. (Just like father). Fleetingly, the boy believed Minato would abandon him now that he was not on death's doorstep-finally say good riddance to Kakashi and the accursed Hatake clan altogether. But then he remembered his teacher was much too stubborn to give up on him (or anyone really).

"I didn't," he finally concurred.

Scratching his head, the blond muttered "Strange..." and Kakashi agreed. Sighing, his instructor rose up and cracked his back. "I'll notify a nurse and see if we can't get some breakfast in here before they start poking you and stuff."

Not looking forward to examinations and prodding, the jonin sighed. "Yes sensei," he replied, knowing very well there wasn't a way out of this no matter how much he may want to skip it. Once the man left the room, the boy made quick work of forcing himself up into a sitting position on wobbling arms; once there, he let his body sag against the headboard with a great exhale.

Rin stirred.

"Rin?" He called gently, he didn't want to wake her if she wasn't ready...but it'd be nice to talk to her too. He hadn't ever been an especially attentive or good teammate to her (and even less so to Obito) but he'd respected her quiet strength. Mercifully, brown eyes flutter and open. Not capable of hiding his relief and smile in his weariness, he mumbled "Rin..."

His teammate's head turned to him and her eyes grew before she rocketed up from the couch to throw herself at him. "Oh Kakashi!" She shrieked in his ear, "You're _alive_!" She sobbed into the thin material of his hospital-gown as she clutched desperately at his narrow shoulders.

Eyes dimming as he let his face fall into the crook of her neck, he took in the scent of hospital; spices and sweat. She'd been here a while. Maybe even forgoing home for him. _Him. _He who let Obito die, he who let her be kidnapped _first_. Dislodging himself from her after her cries died down, the boy awkwardly met her gaze.

"I'm sorry," he apologized.

Her eyes grew in size once more, astonishment clear on her face. "What for?"

He could list off every mistake if he tried (his genius knows no bounds), even the ones from before the mission. If he did, though, they'd be here for days. "For-" he opened and closed his hands in his lap; gaze dropping from her face. "For _everything_."

The girl stilled. "Oh _Kakashi..._" she exhaled, a hand to her to her cheek before it fell away as she leaned in and kissed his face. "_Please _don't blame yourself," she begged. "There were so many variables...a few of us, at the very least let any fault be split equally okay? Don't carry this burden on your own!"

He hears her, but he doesn't believe her. He realized putting up a fight would only lead to unkind words and he wasn't in any mood for them. "When is his funeral?" He implored instead, effectively switching topics.

Rin's shoulders slumped. "Yesterday," she replied.

"I need to apologize to the Uchihas," Kakashi replied after a moment.

The kunoichi's eyes flood with a gloss of tears. "Please don't," she begged. "Sensei and I went to the memorial and-we told them what he did and they said-" she bit her lip. "Unkind, awful, _spiteful _things..."

"Even so," the jonin insisted.

"Just-" she heaved a trembling sigh as she ran her hand through her limp strands. "Wait a little bit okay? If everything goes well, they'll probably discharge you tonight or tomorrow."

Kakashi wasn't interested in waiting, but he'd do it for Rin. "Okay," he conceded.

A bit of triumph mingled with the sadness in the brunette's eyes. "Thank you," she uttered.

A scuffing came from the door as it was pushed open to reveal their instructor juggling three trays of food. "The nurse said I could take extra for us Rin-chan."

She smiled. "That was kind of her," she mumbled as she slid down the bed to give Kakashi more room to balance the tray Minato-sensei put on his thighs. Staring down at the small tray, he picked his fork up and attempted a bite of his porridge.

Bland. As to be expected of hospital food, he supposed. Taking another bite, he uncapped the tea and reached to take a sip of that as a low-grade throbbing began somewhere behind his eyes. Slowly eating his breakfast, Kakashi felt the intensity of the pain increase with time as he quietly listened to his teacher and Rin converse; hand eventually shaking, he put aside the spoon and brought his hand to this head to rub at his temples.

What was _wrong _with him?

"Kakashi?" Minato-sensei implored; "You alright?"

Heartbeat racing, the boy could only shake his head and squeak his eyes tightly shut as his chest started to hurt as well.

"Get a doctor Rin," the blond urged, followed by his teammate's quick steps as she left the room. Taking his hand between his two larger one's, the man promised Kakashi "We'll figure this out; we'll fix you."

He can hardly do more than squeak through the pain as he gives into the darkness invading into his vision.

* * *

Glaring angrily at the text on chakra before throwing it across the room, Kakashi remembered the medic's instructions;

_"Don't overdo it now, your body's already giving an abnormal amount of chakra to the Sharingan just to keep it stable."_

He's a _ninja_! What good was being one if he couldn't use any genjutsu and most ninjutsu? No good! He was no good! A lot of good the Sharingan did him! If anything, it set him back several years. Here he was _finally _at the point in his life when he chakra should have been expanding immensely; but now it was all going to the stupid eye! He wished he'd never accepted it! He wished he'd told-

He stopped himself. No. This was a _gift _from Obito. He gave him his eye to prove to everyone he wasn't a fuck-up, so that Kakashi would _always _have someone watching out for him. Hand coming to his bandaged eye, (_"If we keep it covered, it will be like it's turned off almost; then it won't use up so much chakra taking in what it sees."_) he felt the wetness of grief soaking through.

"Crybaby Obito," he whispered softly, brokenly. He got up.

xXx

Many hours later, after searching, asking and worrying; Minato found his young prodigy slumped against the memorial stone; his hand covering his dead teammate's name. Sighing, he walked over to the youth and picked him up. Surprisingly, Kakashi made a protesting noise; his hand grappling at the stone.

"Shh.." the older ninja soothed. "You can come back tomorrow."

Un-bandaged eye opening, the teacher was overwhelmed by the pain he saw in his pupil's lone eye. "He won't know how sorry I am if I leave," he pleaded; "I-I need to _be _here..."_  
_

Cradling the skinny boy's body against his own, the blond began to leave. "He knows your sorry," he mumbled against soft gray hair; "And Obito would hate if you wasted away here. He gave you that eye so you could become a great ninja..."

Turning unresistant to his teacher's wish to bring him home, Kakashi only grunted; "What good is a ninja who can't use genjutsu and ninjutsu?"

Minato frowned. "They didn't _say _you couldn't use it, the medic nin just said think carefully before doing ninjutsu or genjutsu."

The child scoffed against his neck and the blond knew it would take more than a few days for Kakashi to realize this wasn't a handicap-just a setback. Taking the quiet path back to Kakashi's apartment, he considered sending that kid, Gai, to his student's home. He'd heard that the boy wasn't capable of much beside taijutsu; maybe Kakashi just needed the reminder that a ninja didn't need to rely on genjutsu or ninjutsu.

* * *

After several more days sulking around his home and doing a very good job of not leaving his bed, Kakashi heard a thrum of quick-paced knocking at his door. Grumbling under his breath, the jonin wriggled out from beneath his warm comforter and pulled on a pair of pants before walking slowly to the front door (had to be careful of doorways, they'd become a big hazard to his shoulders and toes lately). Getting there, he heard a voice yell;

"I know you are home my eternal rival!"

The young jonin couldn't contain his groan. Gai was visiting _now _of all times? Unhappily glaring at his door, Kakashi decided it was because someone must have told him to visit. Sure, he and the the other boy hung out from time to time; but they didn't go to each other's houses!

"I will break your door down my rival if you do not open it!"

Kakashi debated the chance that the dark-haired youth was bluffing, but ended on the conclusion he wasn't. Gai didn't dabble much in lying. So, with a great long suffering sigh, he opened the door to see the other boy grin.

"I knew you'd open the door!" He laughed loudly.

Glaring at him with his one eye (which he thought couldn't be nearly as effective), the jonin demanded "What are you doing here?"

Some of the smile wavered and quieter, the other explained; "I haven't seen you since-well, in a long time and-" a spark igniting in his gaze, he shouted "I wanted to challenge you to a taijutsu match!"

Leaning against his doorway, Kakashi frowned. "I'm not supposed to be overdoing it," he explained; hand briefly hovering by his bandaged eye.

"You are afraid you will lose!" Gai declared.

Bristling, Kakashi forced himself to shrug coolly. "Hardly," he replied "More like it'll be too _easy_."

Seemingly excited by his response, the dark-haired boy stuck out his thumb and grinned. "Excellent! Then you won't mind proving it!" He yelled. "Meet me at the training field by the bridge!" He told him as he ran off.

Unhappy, Kakashi snapped "Gai-wait!" But it was too late. Grumbling under his breath, the jonin shoved his door closed with his shoulder and wandered back to his room to get dressed. He'd meet him there, but he was sure as hell going to make him _wait _(and he needed to pay his respects to Obito).

xXx

Coming to the training field, Kakashi was more than upset to find that Gai wasn't alone. No, the idiot was chatting away with Genma and Kurenai stood nearby with Asuma and Rin, who were giggling away at what every the boy was talking about; what was this? Some sort of get-together? Crossing his arms, the young jonin planned to turn back then but Gai's grating voice reached his ears loud and clear;

"Kakashi! My rival you have arrived!"

Haltingly, he turned around. "Gai," he acknowledge; pointedly ignoring the others (even Rin).

Smile blinding, he waved him over. "Come! You are much later than I expected!"

Approaching, Kakashi reminded him "You never told me when to meet you, I figured I had a bit."

"Nevermind! Let us battle!" He proclaimed.

Genman leaned over to Asuma and muttered; "How much do you want to bet that the guy'll lose 'cause his perception's off?"

Irked, Kakashi calmly said in a raised voice; "I'd shut your trap Genma-unless you want to be _next_."

"No thanks," the kid mumbled taking a step back.

Nodding, the jonin took a step toward Gai and the rest cleared out of the field to wait by the trees. Nearly dancing where he stood, Gai called out "Are you ready my eternal rival!?"

Kakashi threw a couple kunai at him (they were off) and the other leaped away laughing joyously. "I see that you are eager to jump in!" He remarked as he came around on the gray-haired youth's blind side in an attempt to land a hit.

A little slower than he would have liked, the boy genius managed to dodge and threw a shuriken at Gai (narrowly missing his head). As they traded blows and kicks and kunai on Kakashi's part, the young Jonin berated himself mentally as the fight wore on.

His stamina had taken a hit from the weeks he'd spent wasting away in bed and his perception was just as bad as it had been before Obito gave him his sharingan. Why had he let himself be bogged down in depression? Why hadn't he forced himself to train until he was perfect again (like he had when father died)? What made him act like a complete idiot?

Frustrated as Gai landed another kick, Kakashi ripped away the bandaged.

"Kakashi!" Rin shrieked fearfully from the sidelines. He ignored her and put the eye he'd only know the abilities of from textbooks to work. Once free from its bindings, the eye proves to be a great asset. With in a matter of minutes, Kakashi is back on top easily following and copying Gai's movements when it suits him. Picking up the patterns to a couple combos, it's not long before the boy recognizes one of them in action and is able to intercept the other youth in the middle of it.

Attacking just before Gai brought his leg down on him, Kakashi was able to flip the other back and pin him to the ground with a kunai to his neck.

Gazing down into the stricken face of his rival, the gray-haired boy hissed "I win."

"Kakashi!" someone was ripping him away from Gai and lifting his stare up he found it was his teacher.

Blinking, he murmured "Minato-sensei."

Tugging down his forehead-protector to cover his sharingan, the man growled; "You shouldn't be using that yet!" Shaking him for good measure, the blond demanded; "What were you thinking?!"

Tired and trembling just slight, the young jonin whispered; "That I wasn't going to lose."

Tossing his head side to side in disbelief, his teacher set him right on his feet and with a heavy hand, lead him away while another instructor (Asuma's maybe?) gathered up the remaining chunin to take them away-leaving Kakashi, Rin and Minato alone.

Left with the boy and girl, the man could only sigh. "I was hoping you'd be disciplined enough not to use your sharingan without supervision...but I guess we have to set up some rules, huh?"

Kakashi looked to his feet.

"Look, I don't know much about sharingan-let alone what it means when you _aren't _a Uchiha and have one...but, I'm going to find someone who can help you, teach you."

Heart rate picking up, Kakashi shot his lone eye up to meet his teacher's. "You don't have to," he said. "I taught myself a lot already from books I've been reading."

"Have you?" Minato replied with an appraising stare. "That was very good idea," he complimented. "But you really shouldn't have used it in a spar like that."

"I know," Kakashi agreed softly.

Rin's hand gripped his. "Please Kakashi," she begged. "Be more careful I don't know that-" she stopped wiping away tears as she hiccuped softly. "I can't lose you too!"

Bringing his arms around the two hurting children, Minato held them tightly and whispered; "Take care of yourself Kakashi-if not for yourself, for _us_."

Overcome by their affection, Kakashi feels Obito's eye begin to leak. Reaching under his forehead protector he wipes away the tears with his thumb and swore to Rin and Minato-sensei, "I will."

* * *

**Hey guys! So this is my newest fic, it will center on Kakashi's development on the sharingan. This chapter detailed the immediate affects the sharingan had on his life and the aftermath of Obito's death. **

**I realize some of Kakashi's behavior might feel a bit irrational this chapter, like him believing he won't be a good ninja if he can't use ninjutsu or genjutsu; but think about it this way: say you lost your leg, would your first thoughts be "I can do this! It's no big deal, losing your leg's just a little setback!" I doubt it, no you're more likely to think of all the things you _can't _do now and forget that other people function just fine without legs all the time. So try to imagine it in that way, okay?**

**As you can see, I've stepped away from my usual style for this fic and the first chapter's surprisingly long. I'm hoping, that the next chapters can be close in length and if not-at least two thousand words. Since I have stepped away from my usual style, this fic will be three chapters in all. The first, being pre-Naruto, the next pre-time skip and the last time skip. If I get a decent response to this, I believe I will also write a (shorter) epilogue set in the future. **

**I'm hoping truthfully to see at least fifteen reviews by the end of this fic, so whoever ends up being reviewer fifteen will be winning a prize, a one-shot of their choosing in any of the fandoms I have previously written (or not too, I guess; if you want it in a different fandom, run it by me first and have a back up idea in case I won't do it).**

**Thank you for reading and pretty please review :)**

**P.S. You should go vote on the poll on my page for my _next _Naruto story idea (I know, I just started _this _one). **


	2. Chapter II

_**And I Struggle**_

***Vote on the poll on my page for my next Naruto story***

* * *

_"Ka...Kashi," she murmured, eyes wide and glimmering._

_He didn't know what to do. Frozen he stood, his teammate's body sagging into him as she was felled. Realization settling on him as quick as a flame to timber, he took his arm back; his hand it was so **bloody**. Oh god, **Rin**! He'd killed her! He'd killed the one person to promised always to protect! His friend! Oh what would Obito say?_

_Shaking, the youth felt his knees go out from beneath him. Never realizing he'd awakened something special, **powerful, **the Mangekyō sharingan..._

* * *

With the sharingan always eating up chakra, Kakashi figured the best way to train wasn't to try and build _up _a reserve of chakra (his sharingan would just whittle it all away), but to refine the control he had over what was at his disposal. And he had, he'd learned so well that even with the handicap that Obito's eye gave him; he'd become a ninja _known _for that eye.

Obviously, he'd mastered chakra control and even trained himself with the sharingan enough that he could use it just as well as any of those sneering (near extinct) Uchiha. Walking away from the gate of the village as he saw the last of Naruto and Jiraiya disappear over the horizon, the jonin was forced to realize that his life had once again taken a change of pace. Naruto would train under the tutelage of his father's teacher and Sakura under that of Tsunade and with Sasuke well-_rogue_, Kakashi didn't have anyone to train.

Strolling along Konoha's streets, the man pondered what his fellow genin-team leaders were doing. As far as Kakashi knew and could surmise, they still had _their _students, _their _teams (like always) and they certainly didn't need him intruding on their lives. Though, he also wondered what would happen if he just hid away in his apartment for weeks at a time-like he had as a boy-would Gai come to him once more? Maybe it would be Sakura, she had expressed interest in seeing him from time to time between her training. A hollow feeling eroding at his stomach, Kakashi chided himself. Maybe before the Nine-Tails attack he could depend on others to care about his whereabouts, what he was doing and why he did something (or didn't do something); but now he was a very much grown adult who had only himself to fall back on.

It was up to him to ensure that he didn't become someone like his father had become in his final days, months and years.

Shaking his head, Kakashi made himself re-focus on the street around him. It wasn't a particularly busy time for Konoha; but a fair number of old people milled about at stalls and on benches as a few younger women blabbing in front of a restaurant front caught his ear; he leaned left as a boy of maybe nine ran by with two more on his heels and a couple dogs too. He bet they belonged to the Inuzuka clan. Or maybe just the last one; he had the right smile on him. Studying his view further, he spotted an Anbu off in the distance; flicking a wave, Kakashi smirked when they shot off. Those shinobi were always so full of themselves, believing an _average _ninja couldn't spot them; Kakashi could of course. Not that he was average, but in his nondescript uniform he figured he might as well be to the Anbu.

Continuing on his walk, Kakashi began to ponder ways he could occupy himself in the next couple years (and longer); he could ask for more missions. Though, Tsunade must have read the notes the Third left on him, because she always looked a little uneasy when he came by inquiring for mission after missions. Hiruzen had worried too, especially after Minato-sensei's premature death. He'd obviously passed down the little tid-bit about him taking on extra missions when he wasn't "coping" well with whatever trauma he was dealing with.

Truthfully, Kakashi felt missions were a fine way to cope with things. They gave you time to set things aside and think about things in snippets. It wasn't a distraction, hindrance or even reckless to bring baggage on missions as far as the jonin was concerned. If anything, it was probably _better _to. Nobody liked to hangout with a grump or sad-sack. The third and fifth obviously disagreed with him, if Kakashi tried to explain; he felt that they'd think it even further reason to keep him in Konoha. Weaving his fingers through his hair, the man went right onto his street. He didn't know what to do still, though, having a reading marathon of _Icha Icha Paradise_ sounded like a pleasant way to spend a couple days as he formulated a better idea.

Just as he came within sight of his apartment building, he felt a body join him on his blindside. A moment longer and he knew who. "Tenzo," he greeted quietly.

"It's Yamato now," he told the other.

The taller man shrugged. "Mah, you change your name too much." Then, he inquired; "What's brought you here?"

"You waved."

Kakashi slanted his gaze. "So it _was_ you," sticking his hands into his pockets; Kakashi muttered; "I wondered why you'd be watching me."

Yamato hummed. "It was relayed to me that one of your students left today," the Anbu explained.

"Is that right..."

"Kakashi," Tenzo rebuked a little sharper.

Tone hard, the gray-haired man said; "It's fine, it's better he train under Jiraiya; he knows more about what Naruto needs to be taught than I do."

There was silence for a moment. "The girl, she's also not under your tutelage anymore, is she? I hear that the fifth has taken her under her guidance."

"That's right," Kakashi nodded.

Masked-face coming completely in his vision, the shinobi inquired; "What are you to do now?"

Kakashi tensed slightly. "I haven't quite figured that out;" he admitted, "I suspect most of my days will be occupied with training-seeing that missions and wars are always on the horizon."

"What will you focus on?"

Stopping in front of his building with the other, Kakashi answered; "The usual-refinement."

Interestingly (or maybe worryingly) the Anbu cocked his head to the side as if he was truly considering what Kakashi was saying. "Why just refinement? Why not stamina? You always appear to lack in it."

Finger tapping on the hard metal that covered his eye, the older jonin explained "Because of this." Finger falling away, he continued; "It takes much too much chakra. Why bother trying to build a reserve when it's all just going to be eaten up? And my stamina's fine-that's what all the refinement is _for_. Improvement of my stamina."

"Hmmm..." Tenzo muttered. "Maybe it only uses up so much chakra because the sharingan has lacked in proper training to stabilize it. Maybe all you need to do is use it and let it figure out how much of your chakra it really needs."

Kakashi scowled behind his mask. "That's not-" he shook his head. "I'll end up in the hospital that way, like I did when I was a _kid_." Because as far as he was concerned; his fellow ninja's suggestion was an old hat to him. Something he'd already done and proven to be a waste.

"Maybe you've been trying it with the wrong form of the sharingan. Have you ever attempted setting up chakra regulatory systems for it in the Mangekyō phase?"

The gray-haired man visibly flinched. The very idea of using something so-_heinous-_striking deeply at his heart.

* * *

_"Kid, hey Hatake wake up;" a voice above hissed._

_Squinting, Kakashi stared up into the face of one of the numerous jonin of Konoha. "What?" He muttered; dragging himself up._

_Jutting his thumb at the carnage surrounding him, the boy's fellow shinobi asked; "You do all this?"_

_Hand bumping something, the young genius recoiled once he realized it was Rin's leg. Gazing at her still face, Kakashi shook his head. "No," he admitted. "No I-"_

_"'s okay kid," the other jonin sighed. "Be thankful you didn't get your head whacked off like one of those poor guys," he told him pointing out a corpse not far off._

_Wavering between sobs and panic, Kakashi nodded. Yes, he should be **very **thankful he didn't end up dead. He wished he had. He'd killed **Rin**, the one person he'd always promised to protect...if he deserved death in anyway, it was for his teammate's death; but instead, he was left alive in the middle of a __cemetery._

* * *

"No" Kakashi admitted. "I don't use it."

He couldn't tell behind the animal mask, but the shinobi felt that the Anbu had to be studying him. "Is it because of how you got it?" Tenzo inquired softly.

The pleasure from being right faded as quickly as it came. "Why else?" Kakashi tossed back. "I can't-" he bit his tongue. He didn't talk about Rin to anyone. Not what she meant to him. To _Obito_. She was a little like Sakura, he remembered (her interests, her youthful crush on her generation's genius-him); though, her quiet strength and intense want for independence better matched Sasuke.

"I don't think she, or Obito, would like to see you wasting what they gifted you with."

Fury bubbling right beneath the surface; Kakashi stood up straighter, hands fists within his pockets. "What do you know Tenzo? What do you know of people you never knew? Never _loved_?"

The other ninja, he met Kakashi toe for toe. "I may not have loved them or known them as you did," he agreed; "but I know they would not have liked to see you hold yourself back because of them." And Tenzo disappeared. Not giving Kakashi even a moment to argue back.

Stewing with fury, Kakashi pulled out his book and began to walk away from his building. Going into his apartment would mean replacing all the furniture inside if he didn't calm himself down first. As he let the daylight slip from his back and the cool air of the night sneak into the space between his vest and neck; Kakashi slowly felt logic overtake his emotion.

He may not like what Tenzo is saying, but was he truly wrong? Kakashi had the nagging feeling that he wasn't. After all, Obito gave him his eye so Kakashi could accomplish all the great things that were so evidently in his grasp. And to waste the sharingan by not adequately developing it...he was letting his teammate's dream die. That made him queasy. He'd _promised_! Promised.

His thoughts then went out to Rin. The teammate he killed. She had wanted it, true, but did that make it any better? No. In some ways; Kakashi resented her. Ninjas were tools at foremost, weapons at their village's disposal. And Kakashi, he'd always been one of the best, a favorite even. To Rin though, the jonin had never felt as such. Not with the way she looked at him with kindness, respect and _love_. That day, that day where she put herself in his path so he'd _have _to kill her...the man had felt every bit of the weapon and tool that he was. To Rin, he thought he was human, but in the end; he'd been a tool at her disposal just like he was to the village.

Passing by the training grounds, Kakashi didn't even think to look for familiar faces. His mind was slowly but surely turning through memories and beliefs; there would only be so much longer until he came to his conclusion on what to do he realized. Taking a short-cut toward the abandoned Uchiha Compound, Kakashi began to feel-if not well-only bitter that Tenzo was the one to give him a reason to train his sharingan again. He should have been smarter. Not so sentimental. It was that sort of thing that held one back from their potential. It wasn't much later that he grudgingly conceded that the Anbu had a point.

The Mangekyō sharingan needed training as did his normal sharingan. Like he'd told the other, it was only a matter of time before another mission, battle, or war was here. Only so long before it would be useful. There was only long until it would save lives Kakashi could not have hoped to save before. Neglecting part of himself only put other's lives in danger and Kakashi didn't think he could go on with many more lives on his conscience. Another fifteen minutes and he had made up his mind.

He took a second left in as many minutes and let his feet carry him away to where Rin's body rested. He'd need to visit her. Maybe by the time morning came, he could visit Obito and feel well about his decision.

After all, if he couldn't use Mangekyō sharingan to help them any longer; maybe he could use it to keep their ideals alive and flowing in the youth of Konoha that called themselves ninja.

* * *

_Minato-sensei stood behind him._

_"I'm sorry Kakashi," he whispered._

_Still kneeling, the young genius put the flowers down on her grave._

_"You couldn't have done anything about it either, sensei; she-she wanted to be killed...she did it for Konoha."_

_His teacher's breath hitched and Kakashi forced himself not to dwell on it. _

_"God you kids!" He sobbed. "I love you so much! But we let you be ninjas and we let you die for Konoha! Why do we let you be so selfless? You're **children**. We should let you be selfish, we should let you want to live for yourself-not the village, not us."_

_Fingers running tenderly over his teammates name, Kakashi lets his teacher regain some of his composure. Once he felt like he could talk around the lump in his throat, the young genius whispered;_

_"What do we have to live for without you sensei? Without our village? Nothing. We **are **being selfish...we are so selfish we can't fathom the one thing we love most ever coming to harm and ruin."_

_He went stiff. Arms were entwined around him._

_"Thank you."_

_Relaxing into the man's hug, Kakashi took comfort in the blond hair brushing his cheek and nodded._

_"Of course Minato-sensei."_

* * *

**The end! Of this chapter, anyway. I realize I said last would be pre-time skip (which it is) but It didn't actually include all that much on Team Seven, does it? Kind of disappointed about that, but it dragged me in this direction and I...let it happen. Maybe next chapter? Eh, it is supposed to be Kakashi-centric.**

**It's not quite as long as last chapter, I'll admit, but it's more than two thousand (two thousand five hundred, in fact) and I hope you're still liking the length of these chapters! I really get into the grit of it this way, I feel. Don't you?**

**Before I get to the thank yous, remember to go vote on my poll for my next Naruto story idea! There's a lot of options to pick from and you get to choose two!**

**To reviewers, TheInkBender, VampireDoll666, Harvestangel99, Prescripto13, The Goliath Beetle, YamiB1999, Tdbanks316 and Sleepkittyqq; thanks so, so much guys! You rock! And you totally surpassed my expectations for reviews on the first chapter :) I'm still going to give that prize to reviewer fifteen-who I'm hoping will a reviewer of this chapter and not next-so good luck!**

**Thanks again everyone for reading and pretty please review!**


	3. Chapter III

**_And I Struggle_**

* * *

Once he finished with teleporting Madara's shield away, Gai was able to execute his attack and soon enough, they'd beaten the old Uchiha and they began the work of ensuring he stayed dead. It was rough, merciless work; but it would be worth the stains. Leaving the corpse behind, Kakashi and Gai turn around just in time to see Obito, along with Sakura and Naruto, reappear.

"Kakashi!" Sakura cried.

Sighing, the gray-haired man curved his eye. "It's alright." He told her. "Everything's over."

Tears welled and she laughed. "Good," she said "I'm glad."

Kakashi began to chuckle, just as elated as his student to see that this threat, _one _threat to their village was finally gone. However, his heart was suddenly pierced through by a sharp feeling and he fell to his knees, interestingly, he was not the only one.

"Kakashi! Obito!" Minato-sensei yelled as the world began to blur around the edges. Clawing at his neck, Kakashi wheezed painfully as a dull ache began behind his eye. Had he finally done it? Had he pushed his reserves over the edge? Would he be dead once and for all? Would Kakashi-would he _finally _join his teacher and friends in the afterlife?

A strong, feminine hand gently tugged loose the grip he had on his throat. "Hold on Kakashi-sensei," Sakura soothed; "I can fix this..." her voice wavered and Kakashi wondered if she believed her words. He didn't (or at least he didn't want to).

* * *

Not unlike the first time he died, Kakashi awoke in a darkness that was illuminated by a single fire-like light. Across the flames, he saw Obito; but it was not the Obito he'd seen just moments before. No, he looked whole and hale-the Obito he could have been if he'd lived. Staring more intently at the other ninja, Kakashi was jarred from his assumption when he saw that dark-haired man only had one eye.

A slow grin rose up on his face. "Finally surprised you, huh?"

"You've surprised me a lot lately," Kakashi quipped. Instantly regretting it when he saw the way his old teammate winced. "Sorry," he murmured.

Obito laughed. "_You're _apologizing! Wow! I never thought I'd see the day!" Letting the pokes wash over him, the jonin marveled at how much the man before him felt like the boy he once knew.

"I'm pretty sure I apologized for getting you crushed by a boulder as well," Kakashi muttered.

The shinobi averted his gaze. "So," he coughed; "This place?"

"It's the middle ground between death and life," Kakashi answered.

He gained himself a skeptical eye. "How do you even know that? I thought I was the one who almost died." Obito remarked.

The gray-haired man shrugged flippantly. "Oh I came pretty close lately as well-actually in a similar situation too." Curving his eye up into a smile, he continued; "I used up all my chakra like this time too."

His falling into a waiting hand, Obito smirked. "You'd think you'd be a master of that sharingan by now-not mastered by it."

"Mah Obito, I'm not an Uchiha-just a genius;" he replied smugly.

A soft smile eclipsed his old teammates face. "Same old Kakashi," he sighed. "A jerk."

"That's me," Kakashi agreed.

The other ninja laughed. "So, did the sharingan give you a lot of trouble; once I got to thinking about it, I realized it might have been better to leave you half-blind."

Popping up his forehead-protector, Kakashi let his dual gaze bore into Obito. "It wasn't easy and I struggled-struggle-but I'm learning and adapting and I think I can say I wield it just as well as some of those Uchiha used to."

"Smug aren't you?" Obito snickered. "I had wanted to come back to you guys, you know, but Madara..." he trailed off and with a wistful look, he implored "What do you think it would have been like if that boulder hadn't crushed me?"

Kakashi's speculated on this for years. He's considered how it would have affected their team, Rin's kidnapping, Minato-sensei's appointment to Hokage, their teacher and his wife's death, the way Naruto was raised-all of it. But in all his years, he's also come to realize he can't dwell on the "could have beens" it would drive him mad.

"Different," he answered; "Maybe better, maybe worse, but I've learned what's done is done and you can only improve."

The dark-haired shinobi exhaled, eye a little sad even as he smiled. "You're right," he agreed. "When you go back-"

"You're coming with."

The other man shook his head. "No," he told Kakashi, "I'm _not_." Scowling, Obito said "What's waiting for me there? Execution, Kakashi, all the things I've done-_they aren't excusable. Ever. Period._"

It hurt to know Obito wouldn't return with him. To know that he was _finally _the only survivor of his team. Yet he knew it was for the best. The jonin nodded and exhaled. "I know," he concurred. "I just wish..."

"Listen," the other ninja called gently. "Just because I'm gone doesn't mean I'm not watching." He pointed to his empty eye-socket. "I don't have this, do I?" Once Kakashi shook his head, Obito went on "As long as you have my eye, I'll stay with you; forever at your side-watching your back."_  
_

It's a heart-felt sentiment the jonin could never hope to mimic-he hasn't the passion-but he did his best to give Obito his gratitude. "Thank you;" he whispered.

"Obito."

The men startle and look to see their old teacher smiling at them.

"It's time to go," Minato told him.

"Right sensei," the now older man agreed.

(And as a light beamed into the darkness, calling Kakashi home, he swore in the shadows he saw not the Obito of now, but the Obito of his youth trotting beside his old teacher into the next plane).

* * *

He woke up with tears spilling from both eyes. "Goodbye Obito," he murmured.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura sobbed; her body collapsing over him as she hugged him close. "Don't die again, okay?" She pleaded.

Wrapping an aching arm around her, Kakashi smiled beneath his mask and despite his own sadness. "I won't," he relented. "I'll stay here with you for a while longer."

"C'mon Sakura, we need to start packing up to head back to Konoha;" It his tiredness, Kakashi didn't know who was speaking; but it wouldn't matter. Soon enough, he felt himself fall back into the darkness of unconscious and knew no more.

* * *

The next time he returned to the world of the living, he was alone and in a hospital bed. Sitting up, he took stock of how painful it was and how much it would hinder him in his escape. Coming to the conclusion that it isn't too awful, Kakashi swung his feet over his bed and went to escape when-

"You're up, I see."

Head swiveling around, he bobbed his head in acknowledgement. "Tsunade."

"You died there for a bit."

Kakashi shrugged. "Mah, it's nothing new."

The blond woman frowned. "Another time and you'll be gone for good;" she asserted.

"I'm good at proving people wrong," Kakashi reminded her.

She tosses a file his way, catching it, his eyes scan over with a keenness only know to genius's. "Did you just come up with these numbers?" He inquired.

"Try last week you brat!" She snapped; "You've been out nearly two!" Stocking over, she taps on the paper punctuating them with a severe hiss; "The numbers don't lie Kakashi! If not death, you'll never be a ninja again!"

Kakashi frowned. "I get it," he grumbled. "No more dying."

"Use the sharingan again," she growled; "I _dare _you."

He lifted his gaze and stared the blond down. "I have to," he insisted; "It's the only way I'll improve as a ninja."

"I want to remove it."

"_No_."

The Hokage threw her arms up. "It's going to kill you Kakashi!"

"So be it," he replied stonily. "I promised Obito he'd see the world with it and I don't plan to go back on my promise."

The woman appeared at a loss. "Please," she begged. "This suicidal mission won't accomplish anything."

"It's not a death wish," he mumbled; turning his head to the window, he notes the blueness of the sky. A perfect day to watch clouds...a perfect day to train. "I've always beaten the odds, proved everyone wrong; why can't I do it this time to?"

He heard her approach; he felt her put a hand on his shoulder. "Everyone's luck runs out sometime Kakashi," she whispered. With that said, she left.

He didn't stick around much longer.

* * *

It's several weeks later, fully recuperated, Kakashi left his apartment for the first time. Walking down the street, he expected to go straight to the training ground and get himself back on track, but as he passes a fruit vendor; a woman bumped into him.

"Oh-" He steadied her and looking down, he realized it was Kurenai and her daughter.

He blinked, the baby from her mother's arms, gazed unrepentant up at him. "Kurenai."

She smiled. "Finally up, are you?" she teased; "I heard that you almost died on your last mission."

Kakashi shrugged. "Yeah, that's right." It's not like it matters anymore.

The dark-haired woman was silent for a moment. "I also heard that Obito died as well," she whispered as they began to walk down the street.

The jonin swallowed past the lump. "It's nothing new, I've been living with his death for years."

Tickling her baby's cheek to gain a burble, Kurenai doesn't speak right away. "It doesn't mean you don't miss him-he was your teammate."

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed. Looking to change subjects, he inquired "So how's your's and Asuma's kid doing?"

"Why don't you find out?" She questioned with a smirk, before Kakashi knew how to stop it; the baby was dropped into his arms. Holding her heavy weight, he was made to stare into the tiny face of a future ninja. "Is it worth it?" He murmured.

"Is what worth it?"

"Having something you know could be your downfall."

Kurenai leaned in closely, finger slipping into the hand of her daughter. "Of course," she said; "It's worth it if it means I get to have a little piece of him-even if it might not be forever."

"Thanks," Kakashi whispered as he gently put her baby back in her arms. "Thanks for talking with me."

Seemingly perplexed, the woman nodded and smiled. "See you later Kakashi," she called.

"See ya," he echoed.

Hurrying for the training fields, Kakashi came to his decision. The sharingan would stay. He would not rid himself of it to be safer. To live longer. No, what mattered was that Obito was with him-always at his side watching his back just like he had promised in the in between.

Smiling up at the sky, Kakashi remarked; "Aren't you lucky I ran into Kurenai today? Or I might have actually gone through with making an appointment-if not tried to take it out myself."

No one answered him back, but Kakashi liked to think the beam of sunlight that glared in his face with a passing cloud was Obito letting him know he approved.

* * *

**So, obviously I don't know how the latest bit of Naruto is going to end-though, I do believe Minato will end up dead again and Obito will finally die. But that's the end of this fic! What do you guys think? Are you thinking an epilogue is the way to go?**

**Also, don't forget to vote on my poll for my next story idea! If I do write a epilogue, the poll will close upon its posting.**

**To reviewers, The Goliath Beetle, Prescripto13, Crazyanimefan, Tdbanks316, Sleepykittyqq, Harvestangel99, YamiB1999, TheInkBender, Corvus corax alba, VampireDoll666, and Sonea Storm Shadow; thanks so much guys! You all rock :) And to my fourteen followers and favoriters, I appreciate it!**

**Thanks for reading everyone and pretty please review!**

**P.S. in the downtime between this chapter and my next fic (or the epilogue if you guys agree to it) you can check out my Avatar: Last Airbender fic, _Rift_, a short Zuko-centric piece. **


	4. Epilogue

_**And I Struggle: Epilogue**_

* * *

Sipping at his cooling tea, _Ich-Icha Paradise _in hand; Kakashi was relaxing as he waited for his adoptive great-nephew to show. Setting his glass down, he ran a liver-spotted hand over his pug's graying coat. The dog sighed in contentment. Kakashi had never thought he'd be one to enjoy retirement and old age, but all this time to spend doing idle activities like reading, sitting and whittling was still novel even after a year and a half of it after retiring from being a shinobi and a Hokage.

He heard footsteps clacking on the wood floors of the hall, a moment later, the door to his sun room slid open. "Hibiki," he greeted.

Coming around, a sea-foam green eye gentled. "Uncle," he murmured.

Putting his book down, Kakashi brought his hands together. "Have you come to your decision? Do you still want it?"

The young brunette bit his lip. It reminded Kakashi of Sakura, but she'd died years and years ago; her son and his wife following suit last year. "I still hate to take your friend's gift...but if you're sure, I'll take the sharingan."

Curving his visible eye in a smile, Kakashi reached across the small table to squeeze the youth's shoulder. "Good boy," he told him. "I'll give you the summoning contract for the Hatake ninken along with the book tomorrow."

"I-thank you uncle..." uncomfortable, the boy's hand flitted to his covered eye. "I really can't thank you enough for giving me a new eye. After last year..."

"You thought you'd never be a great ninja," Kakashi supplied quietly.

Staring determinedly at the table, Hibiki nodded. "I couldn't protect dad-not _mom _and they-they almost killed _me _too."

His hair, jaw, lips, nose, cheeks and so much of him looked like his mother; but not that eye, not that expression. It was his father's, his grandmother's-_Sakura's-_"You're father would be proud, your grandmother too for dealing with everything so well."

A faint smile, bitter and sad, eclipsed his face. "Not mom though," he murmured.

Kakashi sighed. Ima had never cared for her son's dream to be a ninja. She had wanted him to take over her family's shop. To be safe and live a quiet life. "She'd be proud, after all this she'd _have _to realize you can fulfill your dream. You can be a great ninja, just like your father and just like your grandmother." The old man insisted, hoping Hibiki would understand.

A lone iris of green drifted to Pakkun dozing in his lap. "Right," he murmured. Kakakshi knew he didn't believe him (that was okay, someday he would).

* * *

Hibiki realized upon waking he was not alone. Casting his eye to the person in the chair next to his bed he frowned. It was his teacher, Fumi. "Sensei," he greeted.

The woman's severe eyes slanted further as she pursed her lips. "You went through with it." She remarked.

The boy had never cared for his instructor. Now, though, he liked her even less. "It was my decision."

"I told you it would set you back, that eye is a _leach _kid."

Struggling to sit up despite how dizzy it made him, Hibiki put made sure he was at eye-level with the woman. "Uncle has written me a book, it will help me." Gaze darting to the empty bed across from him, he implored; "Where is he anyway? I thought he was going to be put in the same room as me...?"

"Just down the hall, actually; a surgery like that puts a lot of stress on an old man's body." Her tone wasn't quite accusing, but the youth still did not like it.

Throwing back the scratchy, starched sheets; Hibiki put himself on his wobbly legs.

"Hibiki!" Fumi shrieked, lunging at him to keep him from collapsing on the floor. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Stubborn, the boy extracted himself from his teacher. "I'm going to see uncle."

"God let me get a wheelchair then, alright?"

He shook his head. "I'm going to walk."

"Sure, okay Hibiki;" Fumi sneered. "It's not like _you just had surgery!_"

Shuffling a step forward, the youth ignored her. "Goodbye Fumi-sensei."

"Alright, alright! Let me lend a hand at least? I don't want to have to call a nurse to pick your ass off the hall floor, okay?"

Just a little triumphant, the brunette relented. "Okay sensei," he agreed.

"Jeez kid..." Fumi sighed, "You got a stubborn-streak like nothing I've ever seen..."

Hibiki didn't say anything in response, but he felt good. Everyone always told him how stubborn his dad was. But they often said it in such an admirable way...someday, he hoped people would speak similarly of him.

* * *

Coming into his uncle's room, he was surprised by how many machines were hooked up to his weathered frame. Approaching quietly with Fumi supporting most of his weight, Hibik leaned in close.

"Uncle?" He whispered.

His ears as sharp as ever, a lone eye opened. "Hibiki," he greeted; "How are you?" Eye curving.

"I'm feeling good," he told the old man.

Eye closing as he exhaled, Kakashi smiled. "Good..." shaking hand leaving his side to grip the youth's he murmured; "I was worried the eye would be a bit too much for you." Taking his hand back, he stare rolled to the wall opposite of him, he said; "Now that I see it won't be a problem, I think I can rest."

Confused, the youth inquired. "What do you mean uncle?" Fearful of the answer he would get.

"I've been alive a very long time...longer than all the other ninja of my generation. You remember Genma? He was the last surviving member of my starting class at the Academy. I think it's time I follow his lead..."

Fear gripping at his heart, Hibiki snatched back his uncle's hand and squeezed it. Hard. "You can't," he insisted. "_Please,_" he begged. "I _need _you."

Smiling Kakashi reached up to trace his lone green eye. "I've left you not only the book, but my estate, the Hatake summons and this-my last advice."

"A good ninja knows to follow the rules, but a _great _ninja knows when to break them." Sighing softly, he murmured with half-lidded eye. "Remember that, alright? That's the Kakashi Hatake secret to success."

"I love you uncle, don't leave me all alone!" Hibiki cried as he saw the old man's eye shut.

Squeezing his nephew's hand, he breathed; "I'm not...I'll watch you, watch you become that great ninja from the sharingan...always know that Obito and I will be watching your back..." and with one last exhale, the great Copycat nin was gone.

Machines beeping and blaring, medics rushed in; vainly attempting to rescue the retired Hokage. Crushed, Hibiki didn't fight Fumi-sensei's arms as they wrapped around. Sobbing into her vest, he heard his uncle's words echo in his head;

_A good ninja knows to follow the rules, but a **great **ninja knows when to break them**.**_

Hibiki would live by those words. He'd become the great ninja he promised to be.

* * *

**And things get shorter and shorter...:P ah well. I really hope you found the ocs alright, this is very far set in the future and I wanted Kakashi to be passing on the torch to a new generation. Also, I want to say sorry if you didn't think _And I Struggle _needed a epilogue! It seems to me to be the best way to advertise my newest fics! ;)**

**I have posted the first chapter to my latest fic (as voted for) _Quietly _which centers on the growing relationship between Kakashi and Ayame. **

**I have also poste Tdbank316's prize fic for being my fifteenth reviewer.****That fic is called _A Most Memorable Night _and is about a sleepover Kakashi and Obito have at Minato's place.**

**Thanks to reviewers, Harvestangle99, YamiB1999, VampireDoll666, The Goliath Beetle and Prescripto13; you guys are so wonderful and I hope I'll see you again in my next fics :)**

**Thanks for reading _And I Struggle, _please review!**

**P.S. I have a poll on my page, but unlike the past few times, it _isn't _for picking the idea for my next Naruto fic. This time, it's about picking which fandom I should write my next multi-chapter fic in. It's not that I'm tired of Naruto, I just want to stretch my wings and give something else a go. Take a look, maybe there's a fandom you like and you'd enjoy seeing me write a fic in it!**


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